Hello everyone,
Well I'm currently suffering with a searing arse/poo situation at the minute. Always the same after chemo, shitting it out is agony. I did a poo this morning that hurt so much (well, it was afterwards not so much during) that I would say it at least equals the worst pain I have ever experienced. It really is that bad. I had to shout 'fuck' lots of times, then I felt faint and sick as the pain was so bad. Then came the tears of pain. I snapped at the missus to get the pile cream from the cupboard even though the cupboard was just in front of me, she didn't realise what pain I was in and snapped a bit at which point I had to just say through tears 'please, just find it, this hurts so much'. She felt bad for snapping but she wasn't to know I was in so much pain. The cream did have an effect but it took 5 minutes to kick in. I was shaking and then a wave of tiredness washed over me like my body was saying 'had enough of that pain, go to sleep to recuperate'. I didn't feel tired before but it came on like a flash. The heat has gradually subsided but it still knacks (they are always runny and bright orange after chemo, which is odd. Well, the runny bit isn't but the orange is). I feel sick even remembering that shite this morning, such pain. People think piles/arse pain is funny and normally when it isn't so intense it is joke worthy but I think a good percentage of people would pass out with that level of pain, I came very close, so it just isn't funny any more.The actual chemo was fairly straightforward, nothing much to report. It does hurt like, the joints ache and your head bursts and the eyes sting. Not nice. On the second night I just couldn't sleep, don't really know why. I slept for a total of three quarters f an hour and the next morning I was just in a daze through lack of sleep, I could barely function but bizarrely I was unable to nap. The last chemo bag took fucking ages to go through so we got away a lot later. Got our usual very pleasant scary turkish taxi driver. I felt sick the whole way back (and it's quite a trek from west london to beckenham) but just kept concentrating 'not far now, you'll be fine once you get out and have a lolly at home' but dulwich seemed to last FOREVER when driving through it. And I just passed the time when it was going to be ok, I was going to vom, it was just a matter of when. I though 'hang on till you're home then you don't have to ask him to pull over and feel all embarrassed'. But it wasn't happening, a wider stretch of road and I just had to tell him to pull over. I calmly walked a little further on, hoping the fresh air would do some good but up it came, and in rather huge quantities. I vommed and vommed and vommed, some kids on bikes rode past, I thought they'd give me flak (it wasn't a very desirable area) but they just zoomed past saying 'ahh fuck man, did you see that' 'that was rank' while laughing, made me chuckle. Some people walked past with a disgusted look on their faces (I made sure I did it in the gutter so I was thinking on) and you just want to say 'I'm not drunk, I've just had chemo!', same goes for all the cars speeding past treated to the spectacle. I got to that stage of just heaving when there's nothing there and you just have to wait for the spasms to stop. I felt grand. Went back to the taxi and he was totally understanding, he obviously knows I aint pissed as he always picks me up from hospital but I explained it was the treatment. He had a wee natter putting my mind at rest and he was dead canny. Revealed he spent 9 months on his back after a traffic accident, you'd think he'd learn his lesson!
I got in , put the water on, ordered pizza and got into a duvet on the settee. I felt so at peace, I was still dazed from lack of sleep but I just thought 'this is heaven, total heaven' as the missus stroked my legs (I'm like a cat, I love being gently scratched. that sounds weird, I don't mean in an S&M way, just nice slow, gentle scratching, makes all my nerves tingle. Got the pizza, it was fab, in to bath and almost fell asleep in it ("2don't slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that" *alan mode off*). Got in to bed and god did it feel good, fresh sheets too. It strangely took me a little while to drop off so I did the usual of just watching the missus sleep peacefully while I stroked her amazingly smooth tummy. When it came it came like a bullet, I don't recall drifting, it was out like a shot. And oh how I slept (as well as pooed, lots of through the night shits, as always, cheers body). I felt human again in the morning. So heavenly. I'm just so fucking happy.
This morning I felt so good and just had a relaxing day, not leaving the house so I didn't have a repeat of the Sainsburys incident of last time. The missus has fussed round me and made my meals as I've just chilled and pooed. I must have shat 7 times today, all painful, some more than others, so if my bowel could pack in for the evening that would be appreciated. Surely there can't be much more shite in there, christ I'll look forward to getting back to normal. Bit annoying as prior to chemo I was having very satisfying shits, they were almost a pleasure to deliver but I have to take the painful stuff now. Please go away.
Sorry, bit too much shite talk really wasn't there?
I have more to chat about but I'm all blogged out for one evening. |
