Hello there,

Well, first day in hospital today.  They aren’t doing the scan until a week Monday so I have a bit of a reprieve on that one.  But they did my bloods and the doctor came to see me and told me my liver results were ‘significantly better’ and he was ‘delighted’ with the progress so I was really pleased by that.  It’s those moments that you call the missus over and just have a lovely hug and kiss as tears piss down each of our faces, you just can’t help it.  I can’t express how important it is to have mrs. Hazey here, she’s everything to me and this battle is as much hers as it is mine.  As she says, it’s our little project and we work at it together.  I hold my end together and she does hers and that mutual support is vital.  I feel so desperately sorry for people who don’t have a significant other to be around them.  My mam told me about one of her friends who’s had prostrate cancer for 6 years and the day his wife found out about cancer she moved in to the spare room.  That is so desperately tragic, my heart really went out to the fella, that must feel so devastating.  He was in so much pain one day he ripped a radiator from the wall (I know how it feels) and his missus just sent her cousin round to take him to hospital as she wasn’t prepared to leave work to be at his side.  I’ve thought about his situation a lot and it must be very hard dealing with cancer with someone who is being quite so cold about things, I’m not sure how I would deal with that, if at all.  My mam showed him my poems and he said he loved them and really related to what I was trying to express about the cancer and things, I’m really glad I could bring a little comfort to someone going through similar things to me. 

I was really proud that my sister asked me to do a poem for my little nephews naming ceremony.  I diddled on and did something and she loved it and thought it was really beautiful so I was really chuffed I could do something special for them.  Apparently the brother in law loved it as well.  I’ll think about sticking it at the end of this blog, I don’t want to drown you poor readers in my somewhat pedestrian poetry.

So the pump is humming away here, I can feel the chemo everywhere, my head hurts, my fingers ache and my eyes are burning a little.  It took three attempts to get my canula in as the veins are hardening from the treatment, which really wasn’t pleasant.  I’ll have to have one put in for the scan and then another the next day so I don’t know how my veins will cope with that.  It isn’t nice being a human pincushion but I don’t blame the nurses or owt, it isn’t their fault my veins are suffering.  The nurses are so lovely in here, I can’t even begin to think back to my days on the ward at Kings, a world away doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Get that private medical care kids, if you ever get cancer you’ll thank the fucking lord you have it.

Thankfully I have a room without a metal strip beneath the door to the bathroom so the drip slides straight in so I should (should) be less at risk of cacking myself this time.

Anyway, this is rambling a bit too long really isn’t it?  I’ll head off, I’m going to have a sandwich.

You fall in to this world,

Unemcumbered by worries,

Life’s rich cloth weaves before you,

Take joy where you find it,

Let darkness slide from you,

Love all that you can,

Rise, rise beyond yourself,

We fall through existence,

Our being only atoms, only that,

Yet we are so much more,

Our loves, dreams and timeless thoughts,

If ever pain fells you, look up,

Look up to our vast home,

We truly belong with the stars, quasars, galaxies and myriad beauty above,

Loves power outweighing all,

Hold love within you and feel natures glory course through you,

Love all.