Hello there,
sorry for the lack of updates, I've had family down. My mam and sister with her two kids. It's been a nice couple of days, it's been great seeing the wee boy Oliver, he's very very sweet but a bit of a tiring tyke in with it, and he can be very naughty when he wants to be. The little baby is just full of trapped wind all the time so is crying, burping and farting. I feel the pain of trapped wind, it aint nice. But it's been lovely seeing them, my mam and sister thought I looked loads better, that intense yellow is definitely fading and they were very impressed by my physical stamina, especially considering when they've seen me the past couple of times I've been able to manage half an hour outside, if that. We had a bit of a shopping spree and my mam bought me some early birthday presents as did my sister so I got some nice bits and bobs. New trainers, some star wars lego (that's tragic I know, but I couldn't resist when I was in the toy shop with oliver. I got the jedi starfighter with hyperdrive ring. It's actually canny hard to build), some drawing stuff...great fun. I drew my little nephew a picture in his book at the request of his mam and did a human face profile and it's rekindled my drawing urge. My next project, although I don't normally draw from real life, I usually imagine, is to draw a scene from my favourite graveyard, I noticed the other day that a tree had grown round and old gravestone, totally bizarre gothic fairytale image, but beautiful.
But I had a great time, I'll expand more on my time with the family in a bit, but I sat and told them I'm coming through this, it was lovely to hold my mams hand in the shopping centre on a seat and just say 'I'm going to make it'.
I may be totally wrong but I feel so fantastically good in myself that it's all I can believe. And if I don't make it through, well, I've had a nice little bright spot. I know this sounds strange and will have some readers running for the hills but I have also felt the touch of 'God' during this. Not the biblical God or owt, 'my' God, who i believe in. It's easy to mock but there's nothing can sway me from belief, nothing can ever take away the mystery of why is there something rather than nothing, I believe my way others believe there's. Which I used to believe myself but before this happened and during it I have felt God come in to my life. I don't want to sound like 'if you haven't been through this you don't know' because I get fucking annoyed when people say that about various subjects, but it has certainly given me the perspective and insight to feel what I truly believe. And I feel subsumed in love, however naff that sounds, I feel it bursting out of me every day, I can't stop smiling at the wonder of it all and I see people with far less cynical eyes than before. I dunno, I just feel 'powered' by it, overtaken by it and I feel it in my whole body.
Enough drippy stuff, I feel fucking superb, amazingly good, off in to hospital tomorrow for another chemo blast, keep on pumping it in lads, let's get this thing fucked.
My brother in law wrote me the most fantastic letter, I was in bits reading it, I'd love to quote some things from it because he's written it so well but maybe next time.
Until next time, love you loads kids. |
