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| I'm feeling quite canny today, had a decent nights sleep, apart from the indignity of partially shitting myself, great fun, so I'm feeling quite bright. The tiredness isn't anywhere near as bad so I assume my blood count is recovering after being hammered by chemo but then I'm off in again tomorrow to be punched back down again, just like one of those inflatable punching things that pop back upright after being punched. I still look like shit but that is by the by. I had an appointment at healing again today, it was again really wonderful, he's such a lovely fatherly type man, I enjoy just talking to im as much as I do the healing, he's so wonderfully warm. I came out feeling amazingly calm again after being in a bad mood all morning about going in to hospital the next day (I always get grouchy before going in, I'm ok once in, just beforehand I draed it). I walked past the graveyard of the old church. I really do adore it, the tumbledown, overgrown little getaway that it is. In the middle of Beckenham you are just transported miles away by the wandering paths, the skewed old towering gravestones, the bordering trees, the climbing plants and bushes, it all makes for a sort of enclosed space that feels so very far away. I just stood and looked as the sun streamed through the leaves surrounded by this decaying (in terms of the graveyard) natural beauty. I wandered round Waitrose and noticed they were selling 'Jazz Apples', that made me smile for some reason. We got back home and parked up in the rear car park that is also a big garden. I stood waiting for the missus to get out the car and get sorted when I just started to think 'Look at this, it's all just protons, neutrons, photons and fields yet here I am looking at this. the beautiful sun shining through the leaves, the breeze on my face, the thoughts in my head, the wife walking towards me, the noise of the wind in the leaves... all from this peculiar dead matter'. To me that is just endlessly miraculous. What we see all around us coming from such humble origins, and even that is mostly empty space. If you took just the actual physical matter from us, a human would be comprised of matter that is the size of a grain of salt. Yet I feel, I am conscious, I feel and give love yet I come from so little and such simple little things at that. This world around us and all of us with our inner lives from next to nothing. There's mystery and wonder in that for me, true wonder. I've really been enjoying PS's poems on his blogs, I think they are fucking ace and would recommend you to have a skeg at them if you haven't already. I was reading 'the looming tower' the other day when it mentioned some Egyptian diva and had a translation of a bit of one of her songs, I really like it :- You are more precious than my days, more beautiful than my dreams, Take me to your sweetness, away from the universe Far, far away I'm feeling happy. | ||
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