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| Hello again, Well, I've had an ok couple of days although I've started to bottom out today. The anemia is starting to kick in so I get incredibly tired doing the most menial things. I want to sleep most of the day and my breathing is all breathy. This is very shit. I popped in to Bromley today to pick up some DVDs and a book or two as well as some pants and I felt so fucking jiggered after about an hour, it really was quite distressing. I bought Star Trek 2, Wrath of Khan, classic film, the scene where they put the wee creatures in the fella heads terrified me as a kid. (Kirk voice) 'KHAN! KHAN! KHAAANN!' - classic. I also picked up Gattaga for a couple of quid, topper film. Also got 'The Looming Tower' in paperback, I've been waiting for that in paperback for a while. I'm reading a fair bit of the old current affairs/ recent history of late but I'm also going to have another bash at 'the Human Touch' which I gave up on. I was really enjoying it then he just went off on a tangent and I got bored. I can have a tendency to give up on books a little too easily. Got a pair of my newly purchased pants on, there aren't many better feelings than slipping in to a brand new pair of socks and pants. There was some sort of till error in Marksies so I got 31.50 worth of stuff for 9 quid. Jobs a good un. All the trees are on the turn now, it's particularly pretty round Beckenham. I've been enjoying looking at them out of the patio door, enjoying them in full coat before it is soon to be gone. I look forward to winter though, that crispness of mornings makes you feel so much sharper than waking up covered in old sweat from another muggy night, which robs you of energy before you even begin the day. Plus I can get out my big huge soviet commissar type wool coat, which is ace. I'm not enjoying this extra bout of warm weather, I want autumn now, even though summer hasn't exactly been great, but I also really enjoyed standing on the balcony with the rain lashing down just inches in front of me. The walk up the road is a bit dangerous as it is nearly all horsechestnuts and those big fuckers falling off the tree could really put a dent in your head, I've had a few close calls. I do hope I'm around to see another spring break through, a great time of the year, loads better than summer. I find myself living in memories more and more lately, I'm so trapped by this disease. I'm facing twelve weeks of being isolated from people and public places (due to infection risk) conbined with the terrible weakness it brings. My memories are where I can live again. They seem so much brighter, in my mind they are such golden times, possibly because I'm remembering them in stark contrast to my current situation. Such good times, filled with the carefree. That's not to say I can't enjoy my current situation, the closeness it brings is truly wonderful, how you appreciate just lying on the settee hugging someone. When I'm in hospital all I can think about is being home and in bed with the missus. But to be this young and be so hamstrung for the foreseeable future is truly depressing at times. Well, I say depressing, I don't get depressed by it, that's the wrong word, I just get more sadly wistful than anything really. I haven't really got down too much at all during this, a fact I'm proud of but it does grind you down, the endless treatment, without break. Appointments, visiting nurses, prescriptions, paperwork, chemo, ops, ERCPs...it's never ending. If someone could say 'you'll have a two week windown of absolutely nothing and you'll feel okish and you can do the things you want to do' I'd be a whole lot happier. But this is my life for now and for months and months to come, that's if I don't die at some point of course. It really is so hard and my muscles still haven't revoered from the op yet either. I'm fucking well dropping to bits in front of my eyes, I just plod on to try and make it through to some other distant side, a far off land where I'm away from all this, in remission and living my life. I was lying hugging the missus on the sette with my head buried in under her chin and my eyes closed and all I could think was 'please don't take this away from me now, let me love her for a long time to come, don't rob me so soon'. My mam has been down looking after me the past couple of days during the day while the missus went to work and it was great being around my mam again, looking after me like in the days when I was off school sick and I was popped in a duvet on the settee and had hot ribena to drink. I'd be nowhere without my family and wife dragging me along when I feel I'm stumbling. Humans can be truly wonderful, that pure sacrifical love for someone in dire straights. Time for me to go before I bore you all to tears. Plus this seat is really hard and uncomfortable and won't be doing my fucking piles any good. | ||
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