Well, another day and still all quiet on the western front. Although it isn't quiet on the southern front because I've had to take some laxatives to get stuff flowing properly and boy is it flowing properly now. Although it is satisfying when I have struggled to properly poo over the last couple of days. I've had absolutely crippling wind (it really does fucking hurt when you get it bad) and it's also helped that on its way so that's been a relief as if I had wanted to take a painkiller that I have, one of the side effects is....constipation, not exactly what I would have wanted. My sleeping is still absolutely fucking awful, I'm now dreading going to bed which only makes the likelihood of it being a bad nights sleep greater but I can't help that. May have to pop a tamazopan tonight to help things along. I'm really scared by just how skinny I am, I hate seeing myself like this, I look dreadful, all yellow and skeletal. Before all this I had got to a weight I was happy with, I normally have quite a muscular frame but with a bit of weight on it too, it made me look healthy as I had a tendency during my heavier drinking years of looking quite skinny, mainly due to the fact my Crohn's disease doesn't like alcohol so would have me shitting through the eye of a needle the next morning which meant my weight stayed down. Just running my hands over my body, where muscles used to be and now lie deep hollows and bone, my head disproportionate to my pathetic bony shoulders. Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded just how this really is pontoon or bust, there's no middle ground, either this kills me or I just pull through with a withered body. I don't feel too bad overall, I was expecting worse but the toxicity of the chemo is only going to ramp over time so I should expect this to be the easier part of it all. My stomach hasn't really settled, I might vomit so I think I'll head to bed for a nap to try and help it pass off.
I have BSG series 3, sent the wife out first thing. It's cracking so far. |
