Hello there,
Well, yesterdays day out was a bit of a disaster. I thought I was up for it and we set off on the road and got on the A22 but it's a terribly slow road and takes aggggeeeesssss to get anywhere on it, especially when there are roadworks and stuff. With it also being so hot it made it all very draining and by the time we reached eastbourne I felt terrible. I got out the car on beachy head and could barely be bothered to walk. It's a dreadful feeling when you get hit with the 'zero energy' thing, it really does get you down, I guess it must feel similar to being very old. It was so hot it just felt awful. Beachy Head was packed and it just didn't feel like 'our' place. I prefer it on a cold winters day, the biting wind freezing your ears off, tears streaming down your face from the wind, exactly as it was when I proposed. It felt so special because it was totally deserted and so windswept. I hope to see it again under such conditions. We just drove straight home and I felt totally buggered when I got home. I feel canny today, I'm still terribly fucking skinny but I'm gaining a little bit of weight, I'm stuffing my face with the most unhealthy shit as best I can to try and get a little meat on these bones before the chemo. I'm definitely going in on Wednesday, my new oncologist phoned to tell me at 10 on Friday night. Quite odd having a doctor phone you at 10 at night, he was obviously still at work in his Harley street flat. Amazing the difference in how you are treated when private. I'm very grateful he's giving me a shot, I'd be gutted if I never got the opportunity to take the offensive at least once against this thing. If it kills me then so be it, at least I can die in the knowledge that i tried to hit it. I don't feel like it's going to kill me though, I feel like I'm going to make it through this (once again, I hope someone doesn't look back at this in a weeks time thinking 'if only he knew'). I feel determined, I have age on my side and I'll grit my teeth and do my best to pull through and hope this stuff does a good old job on the cancer and then maybe I can have photo dynamic therapy or it might open a window for full 'proper' chemo if it attacks it a bit. Fingers crossed. But I feel like I'm going to make it through. Besides Battlestar Gallactica series 3 is released next monday, I have to get through it to watch that alone ;)
I've been thinking about how ace it would be to be living in a little cottage near the coast if I do by whatever chance make it through this. I was talking with the missus about it, a nice cottage somewhere near Rye, I'd have a hammock set up in the back garden, pub lunches in country pubs, walks through the country and along the coast....heaven. I'd get a job doing, well, fucking anything really, I wouldn't care too much but I do like the idea of working with trees. It would just be bliss, living a life of truly appreciating what's around me, including the missus. Just living in peace, no persual of wealth, no stress, no being blinded to what is all around, just a life of contentment.
Anyway, time for an unhealthy dinner |
