Saw my other oncologist today. Initially he talked about wanting to get my liver levels down to start the main type of chemo but then he phoned my liver doctor and established that probably wasn't going to happen so basically said 'you can take this chemo next week that the other oncologist has recommended and it could well cause an infection and kill you and the chances of it doing anything aren't very high or you can have 'symptom control'', basically saying he can't really do anything he feels with my liver levels the way they are. So, do I take the chance. I say yes. If it gives me an infection and kills me then what have I lost? This thing will kill me anyway, and will kill me in a horrible slow way. Even with the smallest of chances I feel I have to jump, but it certainly makes me nervous thinking this could be my last few days on earth. But then at the minute I feel fucking shit anyway, I've lost so much weight and as a consequence have very little energy that I just feel drawn thin, half alive. As I rode the train home looking out at the graffiti and the drab grey expanses with the weaving trains full of weary commuters I ponder the end of my life. I'm not scared by it ending but I am terribly curious, but then whatever waits can't be bad really, even if it's just the big switch off, it's nothing really to fear is it? I won't know anything about it, one second I will be alive, one I will be dead, there will be no experiencing the blackness. I don't believe that's all there is but as a worst case it doesn't terrorise me too much. Oh, what to do eh? This isn't living at the minute, I'm existing, getting by. I love my wife and family and feel for them if I don't make it through because I know how much they love me. I never thought it would end like this. But then it has to happen to someone doesn't it? So why not me?
(knicked from the perry bible fellowship http://pbfcomics.com/)
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