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| Trip in to London to see my liver doctor today. It was so fucking hard getting there, I find walking terribly draining mainly because of this fucking wound on my side and also because I've been inactive for ages in hospital now. It was all as I expected really. He suggested I drop my current oncologist and go and see a more aggressive oncologist who will start me on it now. So I'm away to see a fella at Harley Street (ooo, get me) tomorrow night who will more than likely start me on chemo very soon. It will be risky but I need it, there's no pissing about any more waiting for this or that level to fall beneath a particular number, I need to get this stuff in me and get it fighting the cancer. There's a fair chance it will kill me, but it isn't the first time I've faced that so que se ra and all that shite once again. Well, I'm feeling a little brighter, ish, today. I've had all my dressings taken off and stuff, which feels a little strange and I worry it's all going to split open and spill out. och, I'm scared, you know? I've had quite enough of feeling terrible without more being piled in now but it has to be done. I feel fairly dreadful as it stands without what is basically poison being put in me. I've just got to keep dreaming of what it would be like to get through this, I have to hang on to that and carry it with me at all times. I need to hold on to the beauty that's all around me, in people and in nature. I love the little exchange in Thin Red Line between witt and the sergeant, along the lines of "You still believing in the beautiful light, are you? How do you do that?, you're a magician to me" witt responds with a knowing look and calmly says "I still see a spark in you." I just think it's beautifully shot and acted, their whole relationship during the film is brilliant. I'm still believing in the beautiful light, the spark hasn't been extinguished yet. Yes, I'm suffering but I can't hate the fact I've been given this, it's my road, I have to travel it, it's all part of life, my life. It's a beautiful life. | ||
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| hope you don't mind.
I'm not a SMB member but a long time lurker.. I sort of like it that way for the moment. I have been keeping up with yer blog like and never know whether to laugh or cry.. never been the greatest decision maker and go with what I feel so tend to do both. but would just like to say a couple of things to you. since hearing of your challenge I have used you as my 'neutral' in my metta bhavana practice. whether for you or me I am not sure but find comfort there anyway. however, even though as of now the contact is one way I feel I would like to discard you as a 'neutral' and use you as my 'friend' in said practice (and outside) afterall there are plenty of other neutrals about... a whole planet of them. I hope you don't mind.. tough shit if you do :). I don't know for definite, but believe, it helps.. I hope to God it does. secondly, though there is no way for me to imagine your challenge I do know that when people are in a hole no matter how trivial it may seem from the outside, the hole is dark to them personaly. anything that keeps your fingers gripping the edge of the hole can't hurt. I was made aware of the desiderata when I was hanging on for dear life and after reading your blog today a few lines from the desi resonated with how I perceive your outlook and so would like to share it.. 'You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. ' though the last couple of lines may seem out of place I pray you still see the chinks of light. Don't give up man.. from what I can see from the SMB, you are forcing people to look for the light.. an absolute inspiration. you are some boy. sorry for the waffle. peace and love to you and your family my 'friend'. Dave. oh, (sorry) I was browsing one of these sites where you can name a star after someone (not for you this time mate). I decided it could appear as fatalistic (not how I see it) but was definitely put off by the £3.50 DELIVERY cost. I will therefore leave it until the winter.. keep daddyo warm on his round. ;) | |||
| Posted by Onyx | |||
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| I'm not a member of the SMB, just a lurker.
I wanted to say how moved I am by the strength you've shown in this fight, and would like to wish you all the best for the chemo. John | |||
| Posted by John | |||
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| comments, especially your quote dave, top stuff | |||
| Posted by hazey | |||
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| When I had my operation, which wasn't life threatening but still hurt like buggery, I remember the feeling of being held together by sticky tape and string.
It's not nice, but it goes pretty quickly, and you'll be astounded how quickly you heal. I'm not sure it's appropriate for you, but I was told to drink lots of lemon tea (well, hot water and a slice of lemon) | |||
| Posted by Muppet | |||
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| been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the last couple of weeks. I know the prognosis is not very good as it is one of the more aggressive cancers....and I will be experiencing most of your symptoms first hand eventually. I'm 42, a very young age for this particular cancer, and have been reading your blog for quite some time ironically.....They say things happen for a reason, eh?
Anyway, I hope and trust things will get better for you and I hope I can show even half of your courage on my own journey. Best of luck Hazey and may the road rise with you. Slainte. | |||
| Posted by Dublin Dave | |||
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| dave. It comes as a hammer blow this sort of news doesn't it? If I was older (as almost all people are who get my cancer, and the same applies to you it seems) I might be a little more accepting about it, but being hit young is a struggle. At least it stands you in good stead for the fight though, try to see it that way. Och, I'm not in the position to be handing out advice or anything of that nature, but if you ever want to chat, about anything at all, send me a PM on here or the SMB and I'll send you my email address, I'm always available to talk | |||
| Posted by hazey | |||
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| I've been trying to join the SMB for a while but unfortunately I only have a web based e-mail address and alas it's not accepted by the board.
I'm in the US of A at the mo and bought this computer for 50 dollars and can't get the outlook express working..........I'll tell ya what,though....The American Healthcare system is quite a buzz. | |||
| Posted by Dublin Dave | |||
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| Email Roger the SMB owner and he can allow your email in.. just explain . I know he's arranged it for other people | |||
| Posted by Anonymous | |||
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| Best of luck Hazey with this next step,really hope it's not as dreadful as it sounds.
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| Posted by Peppy | |||
| Entry 104 of 431 |
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