Well hello, it's me again, not Mrs. Hazey. Back at home now after being patched up. Waking up in the middle of the night in a huge pool of your own bodily repair fluid is a little disconcerting to say the least. As is seeing it pouring out of a hole in your side at quite a rate. Sitting on the floor of the lounge waiting an hour for the ambulance while getting through several bath towels soaking it up didn't exactly make me feel better. The ambulance crew were about as casual as you could get an arl. Then just had to lie in A&E until the morning doctors started, which was shit. It really made me hit the bottom, going back in to hospital so soon after getting back, especially an NHS one, it's probably the lowest I've been through this whole ordeal. Thankfully when I got moved to a ward I got my own room, just by chance, so that made things a lot more bearable. Ah, but home now. I have a fuck off wound across my side and up my chest which is just very odd. It's all tight and stuff, where they've together muscles again and stuff. It's harder going than I expected, the recovery. But the op could well have saved whatever may remain of my life, I would hate to think of my gall bladder bursting, at the very least you are desperately ill but often results in death. I felt fucking terrible in Heathrow before flying out, I honestly thought I was going to collapse, I tried to hide it as best I could but my missus and mam knew. I think I'll be a lot better once all this wound stuff is sorted. Then next up - chemo, hopefully. Which I'm also dreading. I really need it soon as the cancer is spreading, they noticed some spots of it on my perotinium when they operated, which isn't great. I just really really hope it goes well as I'm running out of options now. I look terrible at the minute due to so long without food post op and then this vomming episode has left me very drawn and gaunt. I'd managed to build myself up for chemo in the last few months an arl. Fucking hell, it aint half an awful struggle, I don't mean to bleat but it really is hard. So many people tell me I'm brave and all that but there really isn't any other option is there? You just have to get on with it or...what? top yersel? Maybe I'll get some antibody treatments as well, who knows. I'm off to see my liver doctor tomorrow and I never enjoy the visits.
At some point I'll do a big blog about my germany adventure but I can't be arsed at the minute. I suppose we all need adversity to recognise what happiness is, if we were happy all the time we wouldn't have a concept of happiness. It's just my moments of happiness are getting smaller and smaller, punctuated by incredibly hard periods of struggle and despondency. I'm so lucky to have my wife, I'd be nowhere without her, and my mam was so topper in germany, I had quite a few tearful times across there. On the morning of the op they wheeled me away earlier than expected, before my mam and missus had got in. Thankfully they came out the lift as I was wheeled in and they got to accompany me to the operating section so I got to say I loved them and hold their hands, in case it was the last time. The missus gave me a beautiful card which had me pissing tears before I went in but I tried to hold on to the words and memories from my past as the drugs were administered.
I just long for the everyday, I see people walking down the street, off for a pint or going jogging or popping out for a meal or going to the coast for a walk and I feel so detached from it all, like I've been imprisoned in some big adversity dungeon. People suffer (supposed) depression (I'm not denying people suffer depression here, I'm saying many people are diagnosed depressed when they almost certainly shouldn't be, they get prescribed pills for just feeling a little down, which I think is terrible, they're handed out like sweets) from having a life that is just ordinary, so many do, yet they don't realise just how fucking jealous I am of the ordinary right now. To have your health is a truly wondrous thing, I can only imagine what it feels like. I've had health issues since about 12 and they have dogged my life but this cancer has totally consumed my life, everything revolves around it, my plans are dictated by it and I'm sick of it. I long to just get chemo and by chance it just magically cures it all but I can't afford to be that optimistic as it probably won't happen. Just to taste that ordinary life again would do me though. If you want to take me in 4 months, ok, I'll live with that, but give me 4 months of LIFE at least, not this.
Shut up Graeme, you're whining.
I'll do a nice happy blog tomorrow hopefully, when I'm back up battling again. |
