Hello everyone,
I'm doing ok, I'm still fairly calm at the moment but I had one of those moments where I imagined what it will be like to have the porter come for me to wheel me away and saying goodbye, possibly forever but hopefully not, to my wife and mam.  That is going to be very fucking odd, no two ways about it, as will getting the injection and not knowing if you'll ever wake up from it.  Brrrr.  And that's only a couple of days away now.  Shhhhiiiiittttttttt.....
I'm trying to remain focused and think about how ace it will be if I come home with this shit cut out of me, that's what I have to remember, not obsess on the dangers but think of what it will be like for it to be successful.  I’ve been suffering with liver problems for so long now I don’t know what it is like to feel properly ‘well’, I’d love to experience that again, to have the energy, the vitality, the peaceful nights sleep….
I’ve been pondering the big questions again and just appreciating everything I have while I’m still here.  I’ve spent some lovely time with the missus, it’s nice to make time to just lie on the bed, holding hands, saying nothing while the wind blows through the trees outside.  I’ll look forward to seeing my mam and dad today and telling them how much I love them, I just hope the money they are spending on this op is worthwhile.  But I know even if it fails/I die they will be pleased to have given me the chance, a chance I wanted to take.  I dream of just being able to have a normal-ish life again, to just sit in a pub with a paper and a pint, or having a couple of drinks with the missus after work on a Wednesday, like we used to…what a delight that would be.  Maybe in 6 months/a year it may be possible again.  I even struggle to read properly at the minute as my mind wanders whereas previously I could just empty my head and plunge in to a book for hours at a time.

Well, it’s the day of my flight now, I feel ok so far.  Had a chat with my mam and she said she would be willing to donate half her liver for a live liver transplant for me (she is the same blood group as me) which is pretty amazing to hear.  I mean, I hoped that would be the case but I was never going to ask or anything.  It’s a pretty big gesture alright though but I like to think I would do the same for any of my family or the missus, but you don’t know until you’re put in the situation really.  It means a lot though, having that available if needs be.  God, I love them all to bits, all my family and my wife, without them I’d be nowhere.

Well kids, for once I’m a little stuck for words.  I had high hopes for this blog, I intended it to be a ramble to end all rambles but it just isn’t coming out, no matter how hard I try.  If I don’t make it back try to love as much as you can, don’t fear hurt, don’t aim to possess just love people for the fact they exist and are in your life.  Never lose sight of just how amazing your existence and the fact we are here, conscious, in this unimaginably huge cosmos, is.  The universe in general is a place of such wonder, from the realms of the quantum up to the realm of creation itself, look in to it and decide for yourself what existence is all about, don’t just follow the crowd, you might be surprised.

To the God that I believe in, please, be with me now.