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| Hello again, I've been feeling pretty fucking shit for these past couple of days, which hasn't been very nice but is to be expected I suppose. I wish my doctor would hurry up and suss out my jaundice issue as it is doing my head in at the minute. I'm expecting a call from him today, which I'm dreading as I know he will be against me going to Germany but at the end of the day it is my choice to make and if he could step away from the objective medical approach and think with empathy then I'm sure he would understand why I am doing what I am doing. I feel quick sick at the thought of being in intensive care, obviously I won't know too much about it but still, it sends chills through me. I went for some spiritual healing today (no laughing at the back please). Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting this to help medically or owt, I just did it for the relaxation purpose. The national foundation do a session in the town hall every tuesday morning so I booked myself in. I had this very nice older bloke and I have to say it was fucking fantastic, really peaceful and I was chilled to the point of being monged when it was over. I wish I'd known about this earlier, it could have helped me before now. I had to think of a happy, safe memory during it all and once again I reverted to proposing to Liz on Beachy Head cliffs. It was so vivid, the strong, fiercly cold wind, her hair blowing all around, some caught in the tears on her face, the rosy cheeks and nose, my scarf on her neck, my collar up to shield the wind, just holding her so tight with not a soul around. That calm contentment, feeling both safe from harm in her arms and also feeling like I could protect her from anything. I then thought about just zooming out from that moment, looking down on us as the point of view panned back and back until I thought about the famous 'pale blue dot' photo http://scienceblogs.com/strangerfruit/2006/10/on_a_pale_blue_dot.php All my life and loves, that moment that I cherish, all aboard that 'mote of dust in a sunbeam'. Humbling but also beautiful. I don't feel oppressed by that demonstration of our remarkably tiny size in the cosmic arena, I feel quite empowered by it, something so remarkably tiny has given birth to something as unintelligible as consciousness and all that comes with it, hopes, fears, loves, despair and contentment. That tiny blue dot has aboard it a species that can look out at the vast cosmic arena and ponder its origins and ask questions about our existence and also understand the workings of the universe. If that tiny dot can produce that then what other wonders lie 'out there'? We can only begin to imagine. I'm rambling now, I think it's time for a wee nap. ta ta for now. Graeme | ||
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