Well, I still feel absolutely drained today. I'm not ashamed to say I've done virtually fuck all today, I just need my head to settle a bit for a few days. If I could have the weekend to maybe get down to the coast, go to some of my favourite places and relax before facing my BIG decision. Saw my hospice nurse today and had a good natter telling her all about the events of the past couple of days, she was lovely and it was good to talk to someone not connected with it all much. She gave me a big hug before she left which was lovely, I think she really likes me as a person, I suppose it's a bit of a change for them dealing with someone younger and it probably helps that I'm always perky and positive and chatty. I popped in to town to pick up a prescription and popped in to the church to just sit and have a think. I find it a great place to just clear my head and focus on thinking about one thing. I had a wee chat with what I know as 'God' while there, which helped me me really, talking things through. I've just vegged for the rest of the day but I'm off out to meet one of my old, great, friends tonight. He's quite a character but he's so warm and caring and not afraid to give me a big hug. He said last time that I was like a brother to him, which really meant a lot. He's a great laugh too.
I still can't believe yesterday, reading back my blog and it brings back all that intensity all over again. I loved to read all your lovely comments, they made me feel good.
And if I needed reminding (which I don't) all this just makes me realise even more what an absolutely amazing woman I married, I can't think of a better person that I've ever met. She cares, she supports, she makes me laugh and I just feel 'at home' when I'm lying next to her at night. This is an incredibly intense time for her too and I've been amazed by her courage and love, I'm not sure what I've done to deserve someone as good as her, I really don't, because I'm not sure I'm worth it. I'll look forward to sitting on some sand or cliffs at the weekend with her, just sitting quietly while holding her hand... heaven.
I'm still such a mess right now but if I can just get myself relaxed for the rest of the week and face my decision with a clear head and heart then I think I'll be in the right frame of mind to make that decision. Although, if I'm honest, the operation route is swaying me.
I've even cried a bit writing this and I don't really know why, just emotional aftershocks or something I guess. I'm off for a nice bath with a read of New Scientist, you take care everyone. |
