Saw my liver consultant today, unfortunately my levels haven't dropped so that is quite shit. There's a chance this means the cancer is spreading extremely aggressively unfortunately, which, knowing my luck so far, will be the case. He might try exterior stenting further up the billiary tree which involves sticking big needles and wires in my side, which sounds fucking dreadful possibly followed by photo dynamic therapy. He also thinks radiotherapy might be worth a go after some 'maverick' american clinics tried it with some success. There's a chance it might be this weird condition causing this and my blood results aren't totally consistent suggesting it's possibly that. Had to check whether my sister itched during pregnancy, which she did so that might hold some hope. He made sure he stressed he isn't throwing in the towel yet so that's comforting. I'm seeing the oncologist tomorrow and will get the lowdown on the experimental things he has in mind for this, seems some of these antibody treatments are very effective so part of me kind of wants that, although I don't really have any say in this.
I really hope none of you people ever have to go through this, it really is absolutely fucking shit. I can't remember my normal life, looking back at getting upset about mistakes I'd made at work or other work problems seems like the most laughably trivial thing in the world right now, I'd love to have problems like that now as I'd have such a perspective on how much it matters not a fucking jot in the greater scheme of things.
Walking out of the victoria tube earlier today, before my appointment, I was suddenly held by what I was looking at. The brick tube entrance, all that old victorian brick work filled with the most impenetrable black and in front were two sunbeams, light reflecting off the soot in the air and it looked just beautiful. One of those moments when you feel a shudder wash over your body, how alive and how emotional it all is as it hits you, alive and looking at something so dull and decayed yet for one moment absolutely beautiful. It's those things that people sometimes site as reasons why consciousness is different to a mechanical process, that instant of realising beauty that feels so deep and wide ranging that you feel lifted above everything for just a couple of seconds, the world drops away and you are just...held. All for some sunbeams in front of some tatty brickwork surrounding a hole.
I don't know what to feel right now, I knew this news was coming today yet I feel half a world away from it all. I wish I could have one lucky break during all this but I have the feeling I'm not going to be granted that. But I can't change any of that, I just have to live with my fate and accept what I have been given and what is to come. |
