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| Went for a wander today for a couple of hours. Just round Beckenham and that. It's nice and relaxing just wandering and looking, observing the world. It gave me a chance to think about my shitty news from yesterday and try and rationalise things. What this all means, what I might face and just generally about everything. Had a wander in to the church for a think. Someone was practicing playing the organ, which was quite cool, if slightly distracting. I wandered round the graveyard then sat looking up at a tree as it blew in the wind with the sun shining through the leaves. I sat and wondered about nature and my place in it. I spend so much time in deep thought, I've always been a thinker but facing what I'm facing makes you face all those thoughts with such intensity. I've just been reading the board and Streaker's thread and I got to thinking how I'd hate to die of a heart attack, that instant of facing death without having the opportunity to try and get yourself 'comfortable' with the idea. Plus you often get a feeling of impending doom before a heart attack don't you? That sounds shit. I took my mind off things and watched '9th company' in the afternoon on DVD. It's a russian film set during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. It was rather harrowing. I watched 'Letters from Iwo Jima' yesterday an arl. That was pretty intense too (much better than its companion film 'flags of our fathers'). Makes me appreciate that I've never been through war or combat, it must be absolutely fucking shite. Facing death but in almost constant terror...awful. Pffft, I was going to do a big ramble on here but I've lost the will and I doubt you want to be exposed to my rather pedestrian musings. | ||
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| 'i don't mind dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens' which i thought very witty, and then I found out that Spike Milligan pinched it first.
<shakes fist at Spike Milligan> Still - he does have a tombstone that reads 'I told you I was ill',in gaelic... When you do eventually go, and I hope its a long time in the future, you should have "I O Jarra £50" on the bottom, backwards, in sanskrit. | |||
| Posted by harrygilwood | |||
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| I just want to get rocking on to this chemo now (although dreading the side effects) and just hope and pray my latest ERCP has patched my liver up enough to allow it to happen. I'm still optimistic about what this chemo can do, if it could just shrink it enough to allow an op, that would do. The op would still be risky as it would involve removing about half my liver (all for the sake of a wee bit of cancer on 3cm worth of tubing, but that;s the way it is) and getting in to all sorts of issues with veins and stuff. I'd take the risk though when it was sensible enough to do so. But fucking hell, it must be odd being put under before an op like that, not knowing if you are going to wake up again...brrrrrr. But I'll just hope for chemo starting first | |||
| Posted by hazey | |||
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| ...how the prognosis etc. can change so much from place to place. Sounds like the further up the food chain you get, the more positive the outlook. That's good. Sounds to me that the outcome we all want is around the corner, and in the meantime it must be a benefit (of sorts) to have the chance to take a look at your life and see what, and who, is important to you.
Keep up the blogging fella. It's an inspirational read, and I hope it's cathartic for you. | |||
| Posted by notspavin | |||
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| What I find most odd is the difference between private and NHS care. Don't get me wrong, I've been treted great by the NHS in the past and it is still an amazing system, no matter how much people knock it, but when it comes to cancer it's a world of difference. The NHS won't adopt a treatment unless it has been through fucking silly amounts of trials. The chemo I should hopefully be going on is nowhere near being adopted by the NHS but everyone knows it does really good things (generally). The doctors are far less constrained than they are in the NHS so they can treat you with what they know will be good for you, even if it hasn't been through all the trials. even photo dynamic therapy is still going through trials in the NHS when it has been shown to have cracking results and has been adopted in every country that has trialed it, yet here I would only stand a chance of a trial if I wanted PDT but can get it no bother on private. Also just getting to talk to the proper fellas instead of being fobbed off with a registrar, as is so often the case in the NHS.
Even if my liver results don't come down enough my oncologist has a bledding edge antibody therapy in mind to try on me, there's just generally more hope. Even if I don't make it out of this I will at least be comforted by knowing I've tried EVERYTHING available. I'd implore anyone to get private care for the chance you get cancer alone at some point in your life. | |||
| Posted by hazey | |||
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| My nana died recently from cancer. She was elderly and very far gone by the time she was diagnosed so it was always going to be terminal, but my mam was quite alarmed at the treatment she recieved. The nurses were excellent, as you'd expect, but the treatment was, well, just odd. She refused chemo as all it would have done is prolonged her life for a few weeks, at best. Fair enough, she knew she only had weeks left so wanted the best quality of life she could have. However, they gave her some drugs anyway that were supposed to slow the progress of the cancer, but basically just made her weak and monged. It was only after her kids pushing and pushing that she was finally given treatment to alliviate her suffering.
It's funny that people will pay loads to join a private gym rather than use the local leisure center, yet won't think about using private healthcare. I suppose it all comes from thinking "well, i'm never ill". | |||
| Posted by notspavin | |||
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