Well, first things first, a big thank you to all those who have chipped in for a wedding present for me and the missus. It was totally out the blue and I was very very touched by the thought and generosity of you people. The internet is a weird and wonderful place and moments like this really warm the heart. You are nearly all strangers yet you feel you know me well enough to to do this, and indeed you will know me better than a lot of my close friends, the amount of shite I've talked on here. But thank you, it was very kind and I'm sure the missus will be as touched as I am.
I had a massage through at the hospice yesterday, it was fucking superb, really really good, I felt very chilled afterwards. I have another booked up for a couple of weeks time. Off to see the oncologist tomorrow at the private hospital, can't say I'm looking forward to it but it'll be interesting to hear his plans for me and stuff, the chemo will be the primary one but he mentioned photo dynamic therapy as well so that should be interesting to hear about.
All set for the wedding now, picked up the rings today and I'm chuffed with mine now that I've seen it on the right finger.
I spent some time just sat looking out the flat window this morning, watching the trees blowing in the wind with the sun on their leaves. It looked beautiful, I love beckenham at this time of year, all the tree-lined roads are a joy to walk down, just stopping to look up at the swaying canopies is very calming.
Had a posh haircut today which was very disappointing, for the money I expect the wee head massage they often do and all that shit, especially as I only wanted a 1 up the back and sides and 3 on top. Popped in to the church afterwards and sat and had a wee think about things. Very peaceful. Had a wander round the beautiful overgrown old graveyard afterwards, it's really nice to sit in with all the grass growing freely around crumbling old gravestones. Noticed one big un for a family in the 1800's. Dad died at 32, one kid at 3 months, one at 2 and a half years, one at 22 and the mam lasted until 68. Deary me.
Ahh, this is strange. I don't feel ill at all yet obviously I am very seriously ill. It just isn't making itself known at present, I'm sure it will but at the minute I feel fine. I just want the thing gone, I keep trying to imagine my immune system giving it a good hiding but it's hard to visualise these things when you have no obvious symptoms. I know where it is, I can roughly point a finger at it beneath the skin but I don't feel the 'darkness'. Long may it continue like, don't get me wrong, I'm just going to try and keep myself feeling fine and almost ignore the fact that it is in me. I don't dare to dream about what it would be like to make it through this but a little part of me can't help but wonder how sweet it would be to make it out the other side, to just live 10,20,30 years or however long I get, with the missus, that would be magic. Even if it was just 10 years, I would live those 10 years so well, my whole life would be a different canvas. I know how serious this all is, it's a bad bad cancer, but if you ever give up dreaming and hoping, that's when it's got you. I just have to think about the miracles of life itself, dumb, clattering atoms, that are mostly empty space themselves (I remember reading that if the nucleus of an atom was an orange, you could place it in the dome of of St.Pauls and the dome would be the distance of the electron cloud orbiting surrounding it. And on top of that, atoms would be miles apart in any ordinary substance on that scale...all that space, all that nothing....mental) creating this, me, this thing that has the power to experience subjectively, to experience wonder and love and a hundred other emotions. Just bouncing atoms of mostly empty space.... I read some great ponderings in a book called quantum enigma, one scientist suggesting that maybe consciousness is all there is
"I believe that consciousness and its contents are all that exists. Spacetime, matter, and fields were never the fundamental denizens of the universe but have always been, from their beginning, among the humbler contents of consciousness, dependent on it for their very being"
Great stuff.
"The stream of knowledge is heading towards a non-mechanical reality; the universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a machine. Mind no longer appears to be an accidental intruder into the realm of matter...we ought rather hail it as the creator and governor of the realm of matter." |
