Well, friday was absolutely fucking shit. I was in hospital for a couple of days to have another ERCP(camera down throat and up to liver) which included putting in two stents in to my liver to improve my liver function before chemo. Waited ages on Friday (had a very nice chat with a junior doctor girl for about an hour about my whole case history and current situation, but very little ended up being medical.) Finally got to go down to theatre at 2. Got down there and they started running through things then it dawned on me, they were talking as if I wasn't going to be fully put under a general. I inquired and so it turned out to be the case, they had me booked in for sedation only. I had a choice, I could wait until next week for a general done one or have a go under sedation with the promise they would halt at the first sign of discomfort. I made the doctor promise three times that they would stop if I was distressed. He seemed to be genuine. The sedation went in and very little effect, they moved in with the camera, I was frantically trying to make it clear I wasn't comfortable. It got forced down. I tried again and again to make my feelings known, all the time going ignored. It was horrific. I even tried to grab the camera to pull it out at one stage which ended with me being held down. I haven't felt so stupid in a long time as trusting a doctor in that situation. I was shell shocked for the whole afternoon, I could barely speak. I made a complaint to the registrar and head nurse, who were appalled by my treatment. He'll be in the shit now but I'm going to take it further and make an official complaint through the patient liaison service. I felt sickened that someone could think it was ok to treat me that way. It makes me feel ill even talking about it now. I wept and wept on Saturday morning, I'm finally recovering now. I went to the parish in the hospital later in the afternoon and on the way I saw about 3 kids being wheeled about from ops etc. I burst in to tears, They should be in the fucking garden playing with toys in the mud, not in these places. It all felt like a hammer blow, I'm suffering and trying to keep my head up but it's a fucking hard road. But then again, mine is comparatively easy compared to others. Other people in hell holes around the world, those poor fucking kids....
The parish really helped me, it has done since I've been in there, somehow it focuses my feelings, the calm it brings.
Anyways, I don't want to type any more but I'm getting brighter again, I just have to wait for chemo soon, something else to look forward to eh? |
