hello there,
Well, what a couple of weeks. I still can't quite believe it. It feels like 10 years. Hospital has been simultaneously awful and canny really. You kind of feel safe in hospital in situations like this but they are terribly depressing. Well, the terribly depressing bit is always the other people that are in your bay, which is a bit of a lottery. I got in monday and they'd moved me and I was thinking 'winner, everyone seems fairly normal and mobile' but then they moved me that day and put me in the bay next to the heroin addict who had been in my bay the previous week. Scummy cunt. So I asked to be moved and got put in the end bay which has turned out to be fucking manic. Dying old men, young lad who needed to use the comode, another heroin addict....all sorts. I've had a few sleepless nights in there, one spent sat on a seat at the end of the corridor. The young lad stood up, asked the nurse for a glass of water then promptly dropped a few litres of runny shit all over the floor. That fucking rammed. Then the old man shat the bed. Off I went and just sat on a seat at the end of the ward. The nurses have been really good with me, they recognise when you try to make their job easier and are polite, it makes a difference in how they treat you.
I've had a fair few tests done and have been exposed to all sorts of kit. It feels strange when you get wheeled in to a room and there's all these people prepping you up, putting heart monitor stickers on, moving you in to position, getting equipment ready. I dunno, there's a sense of calm descends as you give yourself over to them. The ERCP (camera down the gut then up to the liver which included putting in a plastic stent pipe into my ducts) went ok. The anaesthetist was a decent bloke. I remember him putting in the fluids and saying 'in 30 seconds, you'll be gone'. I could feel it start to wash over me and I just kept the feeling of holding the missus in the bitter winds on beachy head after I'd proposed in my head. Woke up in the next instant and felt fucking horrific, absolutely dreadful. And then the puking started. They popped in some medication which again just washed through me and made the sickness disappear instantly. i woke up with the missus next to me.
It's a shame they can't operate but I guess I have to go with that. Chemo starts at some point. Nee hair, that'll be odd. But I have short hair anyway so not much of a loss. It sounds a tough nut to crack. I'm sort of in two minds as the consultant said they haven't done a transplant to cure this cancer on the NHS before in this country but having a skeg on the internet seems some private hospitals do just that. My sister has emailed one of the private consultants to see the sketch.
I think i've been through absolutely every emotion available these past couple of weeks, the full gamut. It's hard to explain what all this has done, sometimes I feel like this quote "I strove for much, l undertook much, but the gales of the world have carried away both me and my work." and other times I feel filled with the love of people around me. My dad is coming to see me next week, I'm looking forward to that. I texted him to say I loved him and that I look forward to seeing him and he texted me back to say he loved me too and he knows he struggles to say it publicly but it's just his way of coping and he doesn't want to fall apart even when he feels that way. Bless him. My sister has been brilliant, as has my mam. I can't speak highly enough of the missus, so much courage, more than I possess I sometimes think. I'll need her every step of the way but I also know she'll be here every step of the way, there's no doubting on my side.
Anyways, I'll speak more soon, thanks to JanieP for being so kind and relaying my messages and also being someone who I can text when I feel like it, she seems a very good soul.
I have some friends visiting me tomorrow before I head back in and then another test on tuesday. |
