Phew. I'm feeling a bit better now. I've sat in the park with the missus and we've run through everything. I feel a lot less scared now although the fear is always going to be there in some sense for the next few days. I enjoyed watching the squirrels and standing in the way of blossom blowing off the trees. We walked in to Beckenham to get money out and stuff and, call this lame, call it what you want, but I popped in to the church. Now, I don't need to explain that this isn't simply because of being faced with my mortality so openly, I've contemplated it for a while. And just sitting with the missus, looking round at the place and talking about things really helped. That sense of calm. I'm pretty unshakable in my belief these days that there's more to life than this, my previously hard core atheist views have melted away. I don't know what awaits or anything like that but I don't believe it's all for nothing. Atheism is a faith in just the same way as a religion is. It takes faith to believe that this is all an accident because it is unprovable, and that leap of faith is no different to a leap of faith in believing that we are meant to be here. But I got a lot of things off my chest and talked to Liz (the missus) about everything.. I just have to get through wednesday, if that goers ok I can face the transplant when that comes up. One bridge at a time. But a nice straightforward procedure would be grand. But very little is straightforward for me normally! I really appreciate the messages you all left, there's no doubt I'm scared but even if the worst comes to the worst and I don't make it through this procedure then I am comfortable with the fact that I have met a woman who has made me truly happy, if this is all the time we get, I'm thankful that I got that time at all. 'I once was lost, but now am found'. I have a tattoo on my back which I got years ago which says 'little lost soul', I no longer feel like a little lost soul.
We had a drink and more chat and I'm thinking about how my life will be brilliant if I get through all this, no more PSC. And you know what, I'll jack my fucking job in, sod drawing pictures for fucking cunts of ad execs, I don't care what it pays but I'd much rather work in an animal park or gardening or whatever. Something that feels like more of a contribution and more of a connection with nature. I have to focus on these things.
Well, at least I'll get some reading time and DVD watching done in the next couple of days.
I've been trying to remember this quote all day and finally got round to looking it up
"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls"
I fucking love that |
