Hello there,
i wish I could say I was a little bit cheerier today but I aint. made the mistake of looking up PSC (my liver condition) on the web and the long term stuff is pretty fucking horrendous. If it gets really bad your only option is a liver transplant but obviously there's a massive waiting list for such things (I remember being very annoyed at George Best getting a new liver when it was obvious what he was going to do with it when there's people with my and other similar conditions who would have appreciated the extra life). But long term it can even affect you mentally, forgetfulness and stuff becoming prevalent. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm very very scared by what the future holds. Well, terrified would be more of an accurate choice. I know I'm bad at the minute which is kinda where the maudlin feelings spring from, when it's lying low I don't really think about it too much, well, that's a lie, mortality is always at the back of my mind. I keep trying to think of one of things i read in my books about zen that was saying thinking about how it would be if you weren't afflicted only makes it worse, to try and live as this being my normal life. But it's difficult. Having had all these health issues since I was 13/14 and having to cope with such news at an early age hardened me to an extent but bitterness does creep in from time to time 'why me?' and all that. I was sat in the pub yesterday watching the match looking round at all these pissed up fucking mongs making tits of themselves and I get to thinking 'why do they have a shot at it? look at them, fucking idiots, why do they have it easy?'. That sounds liek I'm trying to suggest my life would be somehow more worthy which is obviously a silly notion but maybe I could appreciate it a little more, instead of spending my life in a fucking pub getting smashed with people you don't really like. Oh I'm digging a hole here aren't I? Well, I think I'm allowed some bitterness, just on occasion.
Had a very mediocre pub lunch at the Coombe Lodge. They had a veggie option which I didn't know anything about so thought I would give it a bash as the rest were deeply uninspiring things like roast vegetable pasta. Turns out it was some cheese and a bit of guacamole inside two fajitas grilled with some shitty uncle bens rice. Takes the piss a bit. More fucking braying vacant cunts in the beer garden.
Watched Pan's Labyrinth, rather bleak but an enjoyable watch. very little to do with the labyrinth and that with some quite graphic scenes of violence.
Plugged my iPod in for the first time in a bit, lots of albums I haven't listened to ages on it, which has perked up my day. Currently '2+2=5', classic radiohead tune in that sounds a bit like a breakdown.
Anyway, I have fucking HODS of work to do and I had an absolutely shit nights sleep so I guess I should crack on really. |
