Bedrock Bulletin

Dear reader(s),

It's been a very long time since I've done this. Let's see if I can remember how...

My absolute worst fear has been realised this week. It's something I have been dreading since I was 18 years old and it's every bit as bad as I feared it would be. My Dad died on Sunday night and I hadn't seen or spoken to him for ten years. He saw me once in that time but he pretended he hadn't. That was 8 years ago to the day he died and at the time it was the single most painful thing that had ever happened to me but him not being there at all is a hell of a lot worse. I'm upset and angry that he didn't want to see me as soon as he knew he was dying. I'm angry that I'll never know why he cut me out, why he didn't like me and why he allowed his second wife to make sure I wasn't welcome in his home. I do blame her (a lot) but I knew him well enough to know that if he'd wanted to see me or talk to me or write to me he would have done regardless of her influence. I'm also furious that in all the 8 (eight!) obituary notices put in the Northern Echo yesterday my name wasn't included in any of them. There was one that said he was a "devoted dad" to my brother and my two step-sisters who were grown-up when their mam married him and never, ever lived with him. I feel robbed as well as bereaved. I've been told I'm not welcome at the funeral and that's fine as I really don't want to go - if I did it would just be to let everyone know what a nasty hypocrite he was and I think too much of my lovely brother to do that.

I was just about to fill in some background so you could make sense of how our relationship came to this but it's very difficult to know what to include as I genuinely don't know the reasons for him ignoring me. My parents split up when I was 6 and my brother 8 and we saw him every weekend. He worked away during the week and he would drive up from his building site on a Saturday morning and pick us up at our Gran's where always stayed on a Friday night. He would take us back to Nana's (where he was staying) and have a soak in the bath while my brother and I watched telly and then take us out for dinner. Usually to the Beefeater at The Thinford Inn. I had all the Mr Men badges. A year or so later (I can't properly remember when) he got a job in County Durham and got his own house and then we used to stay over on a Wednesday and Saturday nights. He then had a very bad accident at work. He was fixing the bucket of a JCB and a big lorry drove into him impaling him on the prongs. It completely crushed his bile duct, ripped off his gall bladder, one kidney and took a chunk out of his liver. He had a scar running from his chest right down swerving around his belly button and then two holes just to the right of it. After that he couldn't work again, couldn't drink again and he got a bucket load of compensation. For the next few years we still stayed there twice a week, still went out for dinner on a Saturday night, had days out in the holidays and while we didn't get on brilliantly it was still a pretty normal relationship for a teenage girl and her part-time Dad.

When I was 14 the three of us went on holiday to America. We did a tour of California and also went to Las Vegas, Phoenix and the Grand Canyon. It was a completely amazing holiday and to this day Las Vegas remains my all-time favourite place. I didn't even suspect at the time he had an ulterior motive for the holiday but I should have. As soon as we got back we were introduced to his fiancee, of whom we were entirely unaware. It was then that everything really changed. She made it very clear that she wasn't interested in my brother and I and didn't want us around. I don't know why a woman would agree to marry a man just to separate him from his children but I think the compensation was a factor. I've always hoped I've been wrong about that but deep down I don't think I am. They got married the day after my 15th birthday and they made me spend the night of my birthday at his house and not with my friends as I'd planned. He also gave me a very offensive charm bracelet for my birthday - everything about it was wrong even down to the fact that he used the initial of my birth name and not the name I've been called by everyone my entire life since I was born. Anyway, all that aside after the wedding was when things really started to change.

I should also point out here that he never, ever paid a penny of maintenance to my Mam, never contributed to our school uniforms or anything and she worked three jobs to support us. He got the best part of a million quid and tried to hide it so even then he didn't have to give her any money. So after he was married everything they got, each car, the new house they had built et c. was all her's despite the fact she lived in a tiny house in Stockton and worked in a nursing home until she moved in with him and gave up her job so where her so-called riches came from they didn't even pretend to explain.

For as long as I lived with my Mam I still went round there every Saturday and every Wednesday and despite every week feeling less and less welcome I still thought it was up to me to fight to keep my Dad. It was when I moved away to university that it became more complicated. If I called and step-mother answered she wouldn't pass on my messages and he didn't call me very often as he got so much grief from her. After a couple of months I couldn't get hold of either of them on the phone at all and I later found out that they had moved house and not told me. Unsurprisingly I didn't talk to them for a little while after that. I still clung onto the idea of the Dad that I used to have so gave him chance after chance after chance and I never got anything back from him. I'd ring, he'd hang up. I'd write, he wouldn't reply. He didn't even send me a birthday card for my 20th birthday and I only got one for my 21st as I went to his house to have it out with him. That was the last time we properly talked and I discovered that his wife was more important to him than I was and that if she didn't want him to talk to me then he wasn't going to. Still I didn't totally give up on him, not until the blanking of 1999 did I write off any hope of a reconciliation.

He has mentioned my name only once to my brother since then and that was the day of the London bombings (07/07/05) and he asked if I still worked in Trafalgar Square. I hadn't since July 1998. He found out I got married by accident, one of my guests saw him the morning and mentioned he was going to a wedding and told him when he asked who was getting married. He wasn't bothered enough to ask my new name or where I lived or any little details like that.

On reflection I think that is why I married Mr P - I consciously went for someone safe and steady and reliable who I knew thought the world of me and would never hurt me. Sadly it meant that I hurt him a very great deal and I am really sorry for that. I am quite sure he'll get over it and be much happier without me but it may take a little while.

In the last seven or so years I've deliberately tried not to think about him as it's been so painful. Yet every Christmas and birthday I've deliberated about sending him a card but always chickened out as it would hurt even more if I was rejected again. I was quite fine doing that until I found out he was poorly a couple of months ago. At first he was admitted to hospital with an unknown infection and he wasn't responding to any antibiotics so I sent him a card. It didn't as much say, "Please talk to me in case you die" but it was near enough. He didn't. It then turned out the infection was liver cancer and he was sent home from the hospital as they didn't think there was anything more they could do for him. He perked up a little and even went out a few times so don't think he was too ill to pick up a pen or the phone as he wasn't.

So, I turn 31 tomorrow and currently I have no job. I have no home - just the kindness of my friends. I have absolutely no money. I now have no hope of reconciling with my Dad and I have to make my peace with that. I also have serious issues with my mother but they'll have to wait for another day. I have a divorce pending. And quite honestly things are looking and feeling a bit bleak.

I'm sorry this is very badly written - there's no structure, probably no sense at all but I needed to get it out.

Hellooooo!!!

The Showboaters shows have been going well. The first one was really nerve-wracking and I had to go first with All That Jazz which is quite tricky as it's nearly five minutes long and there is a lot of non-singing time and I'm never quite sure what to do in the gaps as I'm not a dancer and I'm not used to performing without being directed. First time I came in for the second verse a bar early and then panicked for the rest of the song but the show yesterday I nailed it, thank goodness. Take That Look Off Your Face is fine, it's very short and there is hardly any gap between verses and then it just ends which is lovely.

I am enjoying then and each ones gets a little better so it's all good. There is one more before Christmas on Tuesday evening and then I'm done. I have no other rehearsals in the coming week so it's just fun and packing and shopping. I have done all my shopping but for the three most difficult people on earth to buy for, my brother, my step-dad and my beloved husband. My brother and step-dad will be really happy with Cadburys if I can't find anything better so that's not really bothering me but I haven't got a single thing for Mr P and I don't know what to get him. I really am starting to panic (actually my chest is getting really tight as I write this). I've seen a couple of things I know he'd love but he was with me when we saw them so that's not really a surprise and I don't know how exciting a jar of honey and a bottle of seashell liqueur really is. I really wanted his gift to be from somewhere more exciting that Sainsburys but he's adamant there is nothing he neither wants nor needs so I'm stuck.  If anyone can suggest anything at all PLEASE PM me and I'll be very grateful.

I may not get another chance to blog before Christmas so I shall wish all my friends here a lovely time and hope you get everything you wish for.

Time to update my fellow bloggers on your regular glimpse into the complicated life of Pebbles. Sorry it's been so long but this working without internet or email access is bliddy difficult. I'm permanently exhausted. I'm working in the head office of a large chain of gyms (it doesn't count as going apparently) cleaning up their purchase ledger before the head office moves to Doncaster and it is as dull as it sounds but I don't mind really. It's very useful cash just before Christmas and I've seen these Murder She Wrotes before so I may as well be out of the house.

I've joined a local singing group to entertain the old folk over Christmas and I have my first show next week. I'm a bit nervous as we're not overly rehearsed (the others are as they've been doing it for years but I need to fit in). My solo songs will be fine as I can practise them at home but we have to do hearty Cockernee knees up songs of the type I don't know. I'll bluff my way through most probably but spare a thought for the ears of the old folk just in case. I'm doing All That Jazz and Take That Look Off Your Face and I do know them both really well although for some reason I keep getting the first line of the second verse of TTLOYF wrong. I have a week to drum it into my brain so it should be ok.

I went along to the Carousel reading (although it wasn't a reading as there were no scripts available so more of a lecture really) and I am going to audition and see what happens. I have a lot on for the next six months show-wise but Carousel is one I can't pass up the chance to do. There is a small dilemma, however, as there is one role in Carousel that people have told me for as long as I've been singing I should play (Carrie) and I love her and her songs but I'm really not sure about auditioning for her in a new group as she has to get quite physical with two men and I hate touching strangers. I can be as touchy-feely as you like with my close friends but not with people I don't know or possibly even don't like. I might just go for Julie and kick myself forever rather than having to vomit at the thought of touching someone's hair or sitting on their knee or something.  Auditions aren't 'til Feb so there's a while for me to obsess about this issue.

Pirates seems to be going well. Everyone has stopped whinging and is just getting on with it now. There is one scene where the pirates all come ashore and grab the ladies and my friend and I have been asigned two rather over-enthusiastic men and every time we've done the scene we've got new bruises. They're supposed to fight each other over us but somehow we always get caught up in the violence. I may need body armour come the week of the show.

One of the reasons Pirates is running smoothly is that one of the disappointed auditionees is setting up his own group to do a production of Patience in the summer that will feature those of us who didn't get cast in Pirates and I have been invited to play Lady Jane which is very flattering. Or it was until I listened to her song which is all about middle-age spread and her hair going grey. Not sure how to take that but I'm assured no offence was intended.

And to add to all of that I will be directing the play Gaslight in the summer too which I'm really looking forward to. It's just a five-hander so there'll be plenty of really in depth character analysis which I love. I must be careful not to try and think about the casting before the auditions as it's easy to get carried away but it's very difficult to visualise the play without putting specific people in it. My good friend Cockney Mackem is planning to audition for me which will be excellent. I'm very confident it will be an excellent play and you will all be invited to come and see it at the appropriate time (as you will all the others for that matter).

So when I said I was busy I wasn't kidding. Not sure how much time I think there is between now and July but I'll squeeze it all in somehow.

I think I'm going to put my Christmas songs on my iPod this evening. I have to do something as I haven't been invited to any Christmas parties this year.

This isn't a song title, just a message to Hazey.

I haven't been blogging as I haven't been doing anything to write about. I could critique Loose Women and Murder She Wrote but that would be even duller than reading about my rehearsals.

I had my first rehearsal for Pirates after the auditions. Unbeknownst to me there has been hell on about the auditions. People have been complaining about other people not being given parts they think they should have been and others complaining about other people being given parts they shouldn't have been. As I explained last week I wasn't cast and while I don't mind losing out to the three people I did lose out to (as they are all excellent) I did mind being told I shouldn't be singing that music at all. The bottom line is that you can complain all you like but it won't change the result and all it will do is make you look like a sore loser. I'd rather walk into the rehearsal with my head held high rather than cause trouble just for the sake of it. As I say I don't know the details of what's gone on but I don't really like what I have heard. I'm sure a lot of people think you can't have am dram without drama queens, tantrums and bitchiness but there is so little of that in this society this really is quite upsetting for the people involved. The last time there was a fuss over auditions was five years ago but that was because none of the women were offered the parts they auditioned for. The panel thought they were all more suited to a different role and offered that role accordingly but with the exception of two they objected and refused the roles. Like any disagreement you can see both sides but I think people get too involved and don't think of what is best for the production. That probably makes no sense. Sorry.

I think I will come along to CAOS on the 30th if the offer is still open. Can you let me know where it is and what time and how to recognise you as I'll only know Malcolm, I think.

I went to sign on today. I don't like it. I've been put up for three more temp jobs so I should get one of them. I NEED to be working. I do.

Well the auditions were a bit shit. I thought I did pretty well, I made a couple of minor mistakes but just with phrasing and breathing, I got all the notes and all the words but did I get a part? Of course not! The director came up to me afterwards and explained that my voice is too glorious and rich for Sullivan's music and I shouldn't be singing it. The fact I've had principal roles in the last three shows is clearly just that there was nobody else to give them to. I now don't know whether to do the show or not as either they're just bullshitting and think I'm crap or I really should be concentrating on jazz and blues and should stop with the G&S altogether but I don't want it to look like sour grapes or that I'm sulking (which I'm not, just upset). My beloved husband got the part he wanted (The Pirate King) much to the chagrin of one of our other members who really wanted it. He even did the audition in costume. He also went for another role and got that but still complained quite forcefully. That makes no sense to me at all - why go for a role if being offered it is going to upset you? There were three of us who were principals in The Mikado that weren't offered anything at all and none of us were happy. It does all get political and unpleasant and from the casting it's pretty clear it was all done on merit on the night but that doesn't help when you do really well and are told you're just not right for a group you've been in for five years.

I need a new plan. Anyone need a singer?

It's been a while since I blogged and I can't remember what you know. It doesn't really matter as every day has been pretty much the same. I signed on for the first time ever and it wasn't as bad as I feared. The most worrying thing was the attire of the person dealing with my claim. He probably was wearing grey trousers and a white shirt but I was so dazzled by his jewels I didn't properly notice. His nails were longer than mine (and I have nice nails - they're currently Hot Rock) and some of his jewellry was definitely made for ladies. I'm all for people expressing themselves however they wish and wearing whatever they want, I just didn't expect it at the Jobcentre in Walthamstow. It wasn't as worrying as the post it next to his computer that said, "THINK, BREATHE".

I had an interview on Friday and I can't tell how it went at all. When I get nervous I have a tendency to over-think answers to questions and then just blurt out my conclusion without explaining how I got there and that definitely didn't work for one particular answer. I did then explain what I meant but he may just remember the stupid thing I said and not my explaination of it. I hate interviews. I've been put up for a temp job to start immediately and I'm hoping to hear about that this morning so fingers crossed please. This one is very near Liverpool St which is ideal for me.

Tonight is my main cause of concern at the moment as it's the auditions for Pirates of Penzance. There are more people auditioning than I've ever known before - there are six people going up for each part that I'm auditioning for and unsurprisingly I'm worried. I'm going for three parts in what I believe is called hedging-one's-bets. I really want Ruth but she is supposed to be 47 and at 30 I'm one of the youngest women in the group and might be discounted as necessary to be one of the Major-General's daughters. Plus my mother-in-law is also going for the role, as are two of my very good friends all of whom are nearer 47 (although from the other side) than I. The other two parts are Major-General Stanley's daughters Edith and Kate. Edith is great, she's quite fun and bubbly (very much like the part I played in The Mikado) but she's a soprano and while I can get all the notes they don't come naturally to me at all. Plus the musical director (my father-in-law) has already told me I can't do it and it's too difficult for me. Unsurprisingly I don't think he should have told me this the week before auditions. I'm not sure how he thinks anyone ever improves or learns anything if they aren't allowed to try anything new. He really is looking for the finished product in the audition which to me is weird as we've taught ourselves one or two songs yet in the show he will be teaching us. It's like he's making us guess what he wants to hear without giving us any guidance at all. The director has said that all she's looking for is enough of a characterisation to show that we've studied the piece and thought about it and to want to see what we could do with the rest of the text. Yet again I'm over-analysing and over-thinking. All I can do is deliver the audition pieces the way I think they should be done and hope that it fits in with the director's vision. But even so I'm petrified.

Not me, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. In fact it's so much of who he is it's part of his name.

From this you can gather that I went to see Wicked on Wednesday and thoroughly loved it. From Galinda entering the stage in a giant mechanical balloon and the Clock of The Time Dragon coming to life to Dorothy melting Elphaba at the end every second was an utter delight. For those who don't know Wicked is the story of Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West and how difficult her life was being green and having extraordinary powers of sorcery. At Shiz university she was forced to share a room with blonde goody-goody Galinda (later Glinda, the Good Witch of the North) who tricked her into wearing a black pointy hat (it's really sharp, don't you think? You know black is this year's pink. You deserve each other this hat and you, you're both so smart) and a legend was born. All the crucial elements of the Witch's story were there - why she was green, why she had an army of flying monkeys, why a pair of shoes were so important to her she was willing to kill a child for them. It's just one of the best things I've ever seen and I urge everyone with a vague interest in theatre, the Wizard of Oz or just a good story well told to go and see it. It's on at the Apollo Victoria for a very long time. Idina Menzel is reprising her Broadway role as Elphaba but Kerry Ellis is taking over in January so I may have to go back and see her too.

Idina was doing a CD signing at Dress Circle on Friday afternoon so I went along to meet her with my other Wicked-obsessed friends. It's the first time not having a job has had a good side. Mr Dress Circle was adamant that she would only be signing copies of the Wicked CD or the Grimmerie bought on Friday but that was no help to us ubers who have had our CDs and Grimmeries since last year. I bought a t-shirt in the hope she would sign that and she did! (Actually she signed anything presented to her and was absolutley lovely). I can't decide whether or not to go over her signature in fabric paint so I can wear and wash the shirt or just keep it pristine as a souvenir and buy another one to wear. That will definitely have to wait until I have a job though.

I have an appointment with a recruitment consultant thos week and I'm looking to get a job in a local pub in the interim just to have some cash coming in and to leave my days free for interviews. Fingers crossed for that anyway, apparently my local is really short-staffed so it's worth asking them.

Last night we went to see a friend in an amateur prodiction of Chess in Croydon. Croydon is far. The most exciting thing about the journey there was driving through Beckenham and seeing the Waitrose made famous by Hazey's blogs. Sadly no one else was as thrilled with this info as I. The show itself was pretty good. I imagine the singing would have been better earlier in the week and voices were tired and straining a little. Florence must have really pissed off the costume lady as both of her costumes were hideously unflattering. But apart from that minor distraction it was good.

I'M GOING TO SEE WICKED TONIGHT!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This in no way makes up for being unemployed and miserable but I'm trying not to think about it at all today. Apart from having my appeal hearing this morning, that involved thinking about it a little but no more. All I have to do now is decide where I want to have dinner and then go there. Hoorah!

I haven't blogged for ages. I'm sorry for not telling you about my concert (which went very well) or my show (dress rehearsal tonight) or my next show (auditions coming up soon which I will be panicking about) but I lost my job and have been too down to write. It's entirely my own fault I got sacked but I still think it's ridiculously unfair as all I did was make a silly mistake, nothing was damaged, no one got hurt, there will be no consequences for the company in any way but I have no job, no money and no chance of paying my mortgage this month. I haven't dared tell my Mam or my in-laws yet and I haven't managed to find any temp work to at least tide me over. (If anyone reading will pay me to do anything please get in touch).

This morning I have appealed against the decision to sack me so I'll have to see how that goes. I've also registered with two more temp agencies and applied for eight jobs. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I really don't have the inclination to tell you about Heavens Above which is being performed this week and really should be where my energies are focused. Bum.

We had a pretty good rehearsal for the concert last night. We ran The Zoo without stopping for the first time. That meant it was the first time I'd sung any of my solo bits in front of everyone else and for some reason (probably that I hadn't rehearsed enough) I was terrified. My legs were shaking the way they only do in auditions! Hopefully that got the nerves out of my system and I'll be fine for next week's performances. I was really pleased with The Zoo it has to be said. I think I scared the chorus into learning it after my grump last Tuesday night. Apart from one bit they forgot it was all good (I was forced to name names in that bit last night as even after talking it through twice, then walking it through as soon as the music started again two people just refused to move but I think they got the message as I stood at the front yelling, "Brian MOVE! Rodney MOVE!". At least I wasn't forced to grab them physically as they're both pretty old and I could have caused damage.

We have a run-through of Heavens Above tonight which should be interesting. I can't believe that's come round so quickly either, I still feel like I'm learning it. Hopefully tonight will be the night it all comes together.

I read the play Gaslight this morning and I love it. I haven't read a play I enjoyed as much in a very long time. Fingers crossed the rest of the selection committee like it too and we can produce it next year.

Sorry there was no blogging activity yesterday, I had no internet connection at work for almost all the day and then when I did get it back I was busy. It was quite shocking for a lazy person such as myself.

I had a nice weekend, Saturday afternoon we went to the Kenneth More Theatre in Ilford to see a production of Children Of Eden (by Stephen Schwartz) which was excellent. I didn't know it at all and wasn't sure what to expect but it was definitely more Wicked than Godspell. There were three actors in it who were absolutely amazing (Eve, Cain and God). The others were good too but those three were fantastic (and I'm not just saying that as one of them is a very good friend).

Saturday evening we were presented with a dilemma, we could go to see a Led Zep tribute band or go to a birthday party of someone we don't like. We went to the party as it was free and we were a bit skint but had we known that Cockney Mackem was drunk at the Led Zep gig we might have changed our minds. The singer (with the dodgy wig) is my friend's brother and we were in a concert together last year and he is very good and I'd really like to see the band. I'm sure I will one day...

The party was better than expected but that was more to do with the other guests than the hostess. We didn't decide we were going 'til about seven o'clock so had to run to the offy for a gift. She doesn't really drink so we got her a box of chocolates and when she opened them she said, "Well, I'll put them on the buffet table, I'm sure they'll get eaten." I'm sure she meant "Thank you" - just in different words. Still I don't have to be nice to her again until at least Christmas.

Sunday we cleaned and tidied. My kitchen is beautiful once more. I even found a home for the huge bowl of pot pourri my beloved's aunt and uncle gave him for his birthday - just what every man wants for his thirtieth, I'm sure you'll agree. If you're at all concerned I put it on the little shelf above the bin.

Tonight is one of our last rehearsals for The Zoo and I'm nervous. The MD wants me to just be in it now and let someone else watch the action but there's no one else who's not in it and if he wants to watch and give notes he's going to change everything I've done that he doesn't agree with (which is everything I've done) as it wasn't the way it's "usually" done. I'm not going to get into that rant as I'll save it for a day it's more relevant.

You'll all be relieved to read that I'm feeling much better today. We had another rehearsal for The Zoo last night with just the principals and it went really well. I'm very concerned that we only have one more rehearsal before the run-throughs and I don't think the chorus are going to be ready but hopefully enough of them will know what they're doing in order to blag it.

We had a difficult time getting to the rehearsal last night as someone put out a window on our bus. It was on the upper deck right hand side so either someone with a very good aim and a strong throwing arm or a gun. Eek. There was only one person upstairs and he wasn't hurt but it's still a lot frightening. I was sitting right underneath the window that was hit so not quite as good an aim and I might have been hurt. I just don't understand what a person gets out of doing something like that. It makes no sense to me at all.

I'm really suffering today, tummy-wise. I'm not sure what's going on but it must be down to the turkey curry I ate last night. I must check to see if my beloved is ill too but he has a much stronger constitution than I and probably won't have noticed. It's taking all my energies not to vomit so I apologise if this is more random than usual.

We had a good rehearsal for Heavens Above last night, we ran all the numbers the chorus are in which is a hell of a lot. One of the leads is ill so we were sorting out understudies (which we usually never bother with) which certainly made for an interesting evening. I now may not be playing keyboards but singing on B.A.B.Y. but I guess I have to learn both in case she is well (but from what I've heard it's not likely). Flowers have been dispatched and many good wishes sent so hopefully they'll improve her mind if not her lungs.

Tonight I have to teach the ladies and gentlemen of the Great British Public the rest of their moves for The Zoo which I hope will go as well as it did last week. I am very aware that a lot of the noisy boys weren't at last week's rehearsal so I hope they behave themselves this evening. They can be horribly rude but would never think they are so it's difficult to tell them how badly they are behaving (not least as they're all respectable grown ups).

I really can't think of anything to write about today. I had a very relaxing weekend consisting mostly of sitting on the couch watching telly. We've been trying to catch up on all the telly we've taped over the last few weeks when we've been out every night and did make quite good progress, we saw three episodes of CSI: Miami (and the CSI: NY crossover episode Manhattan Manhunt), four episodes of NCIS but no Lost and I have no idea how far behind we are. We also watched Hannibal on DVD to look at Florence but there were no brashy American or Japanese tourists which by far outnumbered the Italians when we were there. Beautiful place, though, and it has made me want to go back.

I made a slight administrative error last week where I told two sets of people we'd go on holiday with them next August. One of the holidays has now been booked so has stopped me from having to make up my mind which one I was going to get out of but I still haven't told the other person we're not going. I must email him today or I'll feel very guilty and that's not good. I don't know if he'll mind as we can do that holiday the year after but it's still not a nice position to be in. I really should write more stuff down as I have a brain like a sieve.

It's official: I am Getting Better. The consultant said so. I have only two more weeks on the steroids and by some miracle I have lost a stone since I was last there and I hadn't even noticed. If that's not a good incentive to start my new diet, I don't know what is. I really need to do some exercise but I'm not sure what. I don't have any evenings free and I physically can't get up any earlier as I need my sleep or I won't get properly better so that just leaves weekends to do something but I don't know what. I'd love to start a dance class but I don't know of any in my area at weekends and I don't have a lot of spare cash at the moment. I'll have to stick to walking for the time being which is fine as I enjoy it but it's quite difficult to get the momentum going just to go out for a walk when there's always so much to do in the flat on a weekend as we have no time for cleaning through the week. My problem is clearly my job. It just takes up too much of my time. Sadly without it we'd lose the flat and not be able to eat or anything but it would be nice to have a rich husband to keep me in the manner I'd like to become accustomed. Or at least a little lottery win so I could have a few months off to sort out a few things. 

We did A Big Shop last night. It was quite good, we mostly only bought things that were on offer so had very many bags to drag home on the train but I forgot to pick up teabags and we have now run out. I MUST remember to get some on my way home from work as I will be very upset if I don't get my cup of tea in the morning. It's one of the highlights of my week. I bring my beloved a cup of tea in bed every morning but on a Saturday he brings one to me. Bliss.   

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. I'm fine today and probably will be until the Christmas anxieties start again. I started to remember things like the time he told me I wasn't allowed to sing on stage any more as I humiliated him and how I couldn't go to Roker unless I paid for my own tickets even though I was sixteen and the only job I could get was on a Saturday day-time so I couldn't go anyway even though he still paid for my brother even though he had left school and was working and I realise I'm probably better off without him.

We had a couple of excellent Zoo rehearsals this week. Last night the five principals did a run without books which was great. We don't know all of it but at least it shows for definite which bits you need to learn (I'm ok until the end when I haven't a clue of the bits I sing with other people - I've only been concentrating on the solo stuff.  ) Lots of work needed this weekend, I think. Only three weeks until we perform it and I'd like a LOT more rehearsals. The concerts we do always sound good but look crap as there is never enough time dedicated to the movements. The only other one I've done with this group was three years ago and we were given our moves on a sheet of paper two days before the performance - this was not a good concert. I'm determined this one will look not only finished but polished too and so I haven't set any definite moves, I've asked people to come up with their own so they look more natural and, more importantly, they shouldn't forget them. Some of them will be forgotten, of course, but hopefully it won't be as noticeable as it would if they were strictly choreographed.

I'm really looking forward to performing it now. If you can come along you'd be most welcome - 6-7th October, St John's Church in Walthamstow at 7.45pm. Pub afterwards (and possibly a curry too).

This morning I have been thinking about my father. I don't do this often as it tends to upset me but he crept into my thoughts this morning on my journey to work and I started thinking what might happen if I saw him again and end up as shaken and sick as if I actually had seen him. The last time I saw him was my 22nd birthday (or a day or two either side) which is almost eight years ago now. I'd gone up home for my birthday and had gone to the SoL for a match. My brother usually goes with my Dad but took my then-boyfriend and I instead. He'd got us tickets not too far from them but far enough that we couldn't see them during the game. He'd asked us to wait for him after the game at the nearest exit which we did and Dad and his friend walked straight past us pretending he hadn't noticed but he clearly had noticed as he was making such a production of ignoring us it was quite obvious. Plus he knew exactly that I was there as my brother had told him. It's not nice having a Dad who doesn't like you, especially when he decided he didn't like you the minute you were born with the hideous deformity of being female. I think he may have even not liked me before that as he didn't want another child so soon after my brother was born but Mam put her foot down. Added to that the fact that I am very like my Mam and once she left Dad he couldn't stand her either I didn't really have much of a chance. Sadly it took me twenty years to realise just how much he does dislike me and once I realised I stopped even trying to change his mind even though I'd already gone to university to study accounts as he'd told me to and not drama as I wanted to. All he did when I got into a good university was ask if I would take out the maximum student loan and give him the money. You'll be relieved to learn I refused. You know that old joke about the child who's parents disliked him so much that he got home from school one day and they'd moved? Dad did that to me. I was at university rather than school but I'd been trying to get hold of him for a few weeks and he'd moved into a massive new house and not told me. In fact the last time I'd spoken to him he'd told me he couldn't afford to get me a proper birthday present that year as things were a bit tight but it's obviously because he was busy buying seven televisions and four videos for his new house. Then a month later he gave my brother a watch for his birthday and "accidentally" left the £700 price tag on it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. There is no resolution, no ending. One day I just got fed up of having my letters unanswered, my phone calls not returned and not getting birthday and Christmas cards even though I never stopped sending them to him and his new family. Even now after nine Christmases with no card from him I'll still agonise over whether to send him one or not. I believe the last time he mentioned my name was to make sure I hadn't died in the 7/7 bombings. He found out about my wedding by accident (in quite an amusing fashion actually. He manages a children's football team and Mam's good friend's son is in the team. His Dad had gone to pick him up from football on the morning of the wedding and he was messing about a bit and his Dad shouted at him to hurry up as they had a wedding to go to and my Dad conversationally asked who's wedding it was - he wasn't too happy with the response but still hasn't even asked my brother my new name!)

My biggest fear is that he'll die (or I will) with us still not in contact but as I'm not going to approach him and he certainly won't come near me there's not much of a way around it. I guess I'll just have to carry on trying to get used to it.

Yet another line from The Zoo I'm having trouble singing. Not the notes - I can't remember the words. Really. Only four of them and I can't get them in the right order. It's sometimes fare thee well, sometimes fa-a-a-a-re well, sometimes fa-a-are thee-e-e-e-e-e we-e-e-e-e-ell and every combination in between. There's really no need, we get the point. Aesculapius is about to kill himself because he can't marry Laetitia and the lovely members of the British Public are sarcastically waving him off and telling her how sad she will be. According to everything I've read this song reached Verdian proportions but I can't say I've noticed them. I'm not a big Verdi expert though so that could explain it.

I'm very disappointed with my book. It was quite a good read - a wealthy family who'd lost their fortune and the Dad killed himself. Detectives uncover a plot to kidnap their children and attempt to prevent it and in doing so they visit the family and take DNA samples and this is where my disappointment lay - they took them from cut hair. This book was only written in 2003 by which time CSI was the most highly rated show on US television and anyone who's ever watched it will know that you cannot get DNA from cut hair - only from the root. Pah! You'd think even one of the editors or proof readers would have spotted this error but clearly not. I can't take it at all seriously now even though it's quite tense as the youngest boy has been kidnapped but the FBI know where he is and are putting together a SWAT team to rescue him. Hopefully it will end well but I'm willing to be surprised.

Rehearsal was good last night but I was really tired (and the three glasses of wine I had before I got there didn't help). We set yet another new bit - I'm really hoping that is everything now as the show is in five weeks and we haven't done anything like a run yet. Not even two songs next to each other. In fact I'm sure it's not everything as we haven't done Do Right Woman yet and I definitely sing in that one. Too much music!

I'm taking The Zoo rehearsal tonight as we're starting to set the moves. This concert is in three weeks but the moves are really easy and there's no dancing at all. I just need the chorus to act which is far easier said than done. I anticipate hair being torn out at approximately 9.22pm. (Just after tea break when they've forgotten everything that happened before it). Wish me luck...

I hate being without music on my journey. I don't like listening to the random thoughts my brain produces - I need to drown them out with pleasing tunes from musical theatre. AND the beloved husband got an MP3 player for his birthday and has spent all weekend putting his CDs on it as if to rub salt in the wound. Not that I blame him for that but it seems a little unfair. But then life is unfair and you just have to deal with it sometimes.

An interesting weekend was had chez Pebbles. Friday night involved some rather low-key birthday celebrations eating steak in a pepper sauce (I'd never made it before and didn't really know what I was doing but it tasted lovely) and watching a bit of telly and drinking some lovely ales. It was a very pleasant evening if a little tame. On Saturday we went to the in-laws for a Zoo rehearsal which was the equivolent of repeatedly banging your head against a hard object. It took at least an hour before I realised that my father-in-law didn't have his hearing aid in and he wasn't just ignoring me. And I nearly jammed a pencil in Mr P's eye as he would not stop criticising me. I can take constructive criticism (there shouldn't be an actor that can't) but I can't take it if it's coming from the wrong person and there is absolutely no praise involved as well and what praise there is is just a veiled insult. I've been struggling with my breathing in my solo and for the first time I got all the breaths in the right place AND hit all the high notes too and we got to the end and un-surprisingly I was quite pleased until he said, "Well the notes are there..." and went on to tell me that my phrasing was all over the place. Forgive me for having to learn a song! He doesn't seem to understand that I'd never heard any of these songs until a few weeks ago and when I learn to sing something I start with the notes, then I learn the words, then the breathing and then everything else and I'm not quite ready for everything else as I was still working on the breathing. You don't teach someone a dance step and expect feet, arms, head, teeth and tits on the first attempt, do you? No, you build it up one rehearsal at a time but none of the buggers seem to understand that. According to my ma-in-law I just have to get used to it as his Dad is exactly the same but I don't want to get used to it as there's no excuse to be rude and hurt people's feelings for no reason. All it will do is destroy my confidence so I can't perform the song properly at all. He did apologise and promised to try and never do it again but that will only last until our next rehearsal. I should just remember to anticipate it but it always takes me by surprise. Still there's only three weeks (eek!) until the concert so it will all be over soon. I'd better get to work on the "everything else" hadn't I?

Yesterday we went to a chocolate making workshop at My Chocolate which was a wedding present from our closest friends. It was a great gift as we had an excellent time and ate practically our weight in chocolate. We learned all about the beans and the roasting and fermenting and grinding and the making into chocolate and how to recognise good quality chocolate (basically no large manufacturers make it) and then we got on with making some things. We started out making a vanilla truffle centre (a ganache) and a chocolate caramel fudge centre and once they were set we tempered the couverture and dipped the centres in and decorated them. Lots of licking of spoons and fingers and eating up leftovers left us feeling a little nauseous but nothing a bag of lightly salted kettle chips didn't cure (hopefully diabetes won't ensue) and after a nice beef rogan josh we were ready to sample our wares. They were lovely, if a little rich - I think they'll last us a while. I'd definitely recommend the experience as a gift if you're struggling to think of something for a special occasion. And most bizarrely I saw the person sitting next to us on my journey into work this morning. Small world.

I'm regretting my choice of top today - I didn't check the mirror before I left the house and the neck is very low exposing my unusually shaped patch of sunburn on my neck and chest and the sleeves are about an inch shorter than the t-shirt I was wearing when I got burned. I'll just have to keep my coat on in the pub tonight so I'm not an object of ridicule.